There is no Wrong Choice: the Decision of Being Present at a Loved One's Death.

How do you look at someone you love more than life itself, and know it's time to say goodbye?

Believe me when I say I know that feeling. When my Nan was in hospital and we knew she wasn't coming back out, my mind was overwhelmed and conflicted with so many different thoughts. I spent as long as I physically could by her side, only sleeping for around 3 hours a night because I was terrified she'd go without me being there. At the same time though, I didn't want to be there; I didn't want that to be the final memory I had with her. I was also facing the fact that very soon she wouldn't be here anymore, and the guilt of shifting between hoping she'd just stay in the coma so she'd still be here, and the awful feeling that I just wanted it all to be over, haunted me.

One afternoon, one of the nurses looking after her sat me down and told me I needed to go home and rest. I told him I couldn't because I had to be with her when it happened. I needed her to know I was there, and if I made the wrong decision and went home and she passed away, I'd never forgive myself. In reality I was debating far more than that and I think he knew it. The advice he gave me just seemed to address all my questions:

• I don't think I can be there but I love them so I should be.

• How do I make the right decision?

• What would they do? What would they want? Will they think I don't love them? Will other people think I don't love them? Am I bad person?

• Do I owe it to them to be there?

• Can I live with myself if I'm not there?

• Can I live with the memory if I am there?

• I feel too guilty to take care of myself when I just don't know how long they have.

• It's not about me and how I feel.

• Can someone else just tell me what to do?

• Do I have time?

• I can't go home to rest, I need to be there, as long as it takes.

He said he had seen so many people in this situation; spending hours weighing up the options and then second guessing themselves repeatedly when they made one. But he said the one thing they all had in common was that whatever happened, they had made the decision they made at that time for a good reason which made it the right reason. Time then took the events out of their hands and if it was going to happen it was going to happen. He said the reality was that I need a rest. If I decided to go home and get that rest, I did it because I needed to. If she passed away while I was at home, I had to know that it couldn't be helped; that time chose that moment without any consideration for where I was. I'm not going to lie to you it was really hard, but thinking about it that way made me feel less anxious about going home for a bit. I was able to make my piece with the fact that if something happened and I wasn't there, it wasn't because I didn't love her or because I was being selfish, (in fact I made sure she knew I loved her before I left every single time), it was just because that was when it happened and I had to accept that.

It can be impossible to know what you'd do until your fight or flight response kicks in, and people often change their mind when the situation is unfolding infront of them. It's entirely possible to be convinced that you don't want your last memory of that person to be of them passing, but then at 'the point of no return' so to speak, your heart, your brain or your gut tells you to stay. Contrariwise, even with the best intentions to be there, it can become overwhelming and you may find it too much to process when the time comes. Either way, it's ok.

There is no correlation between the love felt for a friend or family member and your decision to be present or not. Make a decision you can live with regardless of what anyone else thinks and accept that other people will make the right choice for them too. Remember though, it may not be the same choice you make, and whether that is 'right' or 'wrong' is not for you to judge; the chances are that they have battled in the same way you did. Focus on being at peace with your own decision and respect other's rights to do the same.